National Lampoons: Middle Earth Vacation
by Slashified
Summary: A Really funny story I wrote after Seeing LoTR. Please read =D


I Don't own these bastards... So, yeah.  
  
  
  
"We can't trust Master!" Gollum hissed at himself while the two fat little plums; called hobbits slept on a couple of twigs. "They sssssssssaysssssss they don't have the AIDsssssssssssssss. But we KNOWSSSSSSSSSSSSS they do! They HASSSSSSS IT! THEY HASSSSSSSSSS IT MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!" He begins to jump up and down wildly, getting a little worked up over what he was screaming.  
  
  
  
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU SCHITZO!" The fat peach screamed at the poor ugly creature. "QUIET, FAT HOBBIT!" Gollum screeched and went back to talking to himself.  
  
  
  
But Master loves usssssssss he does..." He put on a sad face, twirling his fingers.  
  
"ONLY FOR HISSSSS OWN USESSSS! HE LOVESSSS THE FAT ONE!" Gollum begin to scream at the top of his lungs, confused by the situation.  
  
  
  
Sam rose from his resting place, grabbed a rock and chucked it as hard as he could at Gollum, hitting the poor thing in the head, knocking it unconscious. "That'll finally shut him up. Now I can get back to dreaming about Frodo and his many uses." Sam laid back down against the tree, staring at Frodo. "Ohhh, Mr.Frodo..." he whispered to himself "How I wish I could take you into my arms..." He stared longingly at the hobbit next to him "And tap that ass all night long..."  
  
  
  
He was cut off by the loud bang he heard. He quickly got up, packed his things and began waking Frodo.  
  
  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" He shouted. "Wake up, Mr.Frodo!" Frodo turned over onto his back, his eyes still closed and murmured something "Not now, Sam...I'm still having sex with Britney Spears..." Sam became very angered by this and hit him lightly. "You can sex her later! Wake UP Mr.Frodo!"  
  
"Fine, fine..." Frodo got up lazily and scratched his head. "What's with all the rush rush?" He gave Sam a menacing stare.  
  
"I heard a noise, Mr.Frodo! An evil noise! It was..." Suddenly, the sky goes dark, and thunder clashes "LIV TYLER!" Frodo's eyes widened quickly. "HURRY SAM! WE MUST RUN! QUICKLY!" So they got up and ran. FAST. Hell, I would too, I mean its Liv Tyler for god sakes.  
  
  
  
But they forgot one poor thing. Gollum! Or Smegol. Or Oprah Winfrey. Whichever personality he was feeling at the moment. I think it was Oprah Winfrey, but at this time in Middle Earth, with the whole "Evil-Master- Killing-Everyone" Thang goin' down, No one could tell. I'm getting off the topic now...  
  
  
  
The two little bastards ran as quickly and as far as they could. They began to get tired, so they stopped on a log, and made their camp there. Because they're so tiny ::Ba-dump-CHING::  
  
  
  
Frodo sat next to the fire. Sam had gone off looking for food. Frodo sighed a deep sigh and look straight into the fire. "Oh, Sam. I wish I could tell you how I truly feel. I wish I could kiss your soft pale lips, and stroke your thick black foot-hair." He began to fantasize about what he would do with Sam, if he had the chance.  
  
  
  
At that same moment, Legolas and Aragorn started having sex ::everyone runs into that room and watches:: YOU BASTARDS. GET BACK HERE. THE STORY ISN'T FINISHED.  
  
  
  
(a/n 2 - oowww stubbed my toe  
  
a/n 1 - SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH THE FOOKIN' STORY  
  
a/n 2 - I hate you...::walks away:: )  
  
  
  
Anyways (::glares at a/n 2::-) Sam had just returned with the food, and was bending over the fire, cooking his pheasants and chickens and rabbits and Calista Flockharts and what-have-yous. And Frodo decided to take a chance on his life. I mean, what could go wrong. Well, A lot of things could go wrong, Like Sam hating him, or pushing him into the fire, or Sam killing himself. But Frodo wasn't smart enough to think of the consequences. He knew something good was going to happen. I mean, he knew this was a FanFic and that these kinds of fics end with Sex, so he knew what was coming next. "Sam..." He walked over to his friend who was bending over, and placed a hand on his bottom. "Sam, you have a badoonkadoonk butt."  
  
Sam was a little surprised by this. But, he also knew what kind of FanFic this was, and that the author was a sick twisted bastard, so he gave in. He quickly spun around and grabbed the other Hobbit's hand. "Mr.Frodo...Can I ask you a question?!" Frodo quivered at the touch of his love, and said shakily in a meek voice "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"  
  
Sam pressed his nasty midget hips against Frodo's crotch "Can I tap that ass all night long?!" Frodo's eyes widened "OF COURSE, SAM!" So they jumped onto each other and started making hArdCoRe hoBbIt pOrN FREE.  
  
Now YOU can see the BEST in HARDCORE HOBBIT PORN anytime you want! Free! For $75.95 a month! Just sign up and go to our site, and if you decide you don't like our site, just close the browser, 500 pop-ups leading to other sites with appear on your screen! And who cares if your computer freezes and crashes, at least you've viewed the best Hobbit Porn on earth!  
  
  
  
And so, Frodo and Sam lived happily ever after. Until they died of AIDS. But Gollum didn't. Because he refused to sleep with Frodo, therefore NOT contracting AIDS/HIV virus, and living on happily.  
  
  
  
I'm Leonard Nemoid saying, Thank you and good night. (::shameless Simpsons reference:: =D) 


End file.
